Daddy was a German Spy by Brian Edwards

Author:Brian Edwards
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780143009221
Publisher: Penguin Random House New Zealand
Published: 2010-12-22T00:00:00+00:00

Heavens! We were never as bad as that. But the ‘lessons of courage and honour and truth’ were not always well learnt, even in our day. BBC radio ran a national inter-schools quiz called ‘Top of the Form’, which was broadcast on the Light Programme. During its 38-year run on radio, and later television, it was hosted by all sorts of famous people, including Wynford Vaughan-Thomas, Richard Dimbleby and Kenneth Horne. Its theme music, ‘Marching Strings’ by Marshall Ross, became as familiar as its presenters. It was a hugely popular programme.

Sometime in the early 1950s, the boys of Inst took part against girls from a school in England. (I’ve forgotten the name, so we’ll call it St Smartypants.) The honour of the school was therefore doubly at stake. To be beaten by girls would be bad enough; to be beaten by English girls insufferable. The entire school assembled in the Common Hall, where loudspeakers had been set up to allow us to hear the question-master and the replies of our opponents in England. Rules of conduct were outlined: We were to applaud only at the end of a round, not after every correct answer by a member of our team and certainly not after an incorrect answer by the opposition; the questions and answers were to be heard in silence; at the end of the programme pupils from each school would be invited to give three cheers for their opponents, regardless of the outcome; the programme would be pre-recorded and we should expect interruptions and delays.

It turned out to be a fairly evenly matched contest that seemed set to go down to the line. By the last round the two schools were neck and neck. Our youngest player was the brilliant Stuart Ellis, son of Canon Robert Ellis, the vicar of St Colman’s church in Dunmurry. Stuart was a gifted boy, a child prodigy, a genius. He hadn’t given a single wrong answer in the quiz so far. He wasn’t expected to. His question was: What do you call a baby elephant? Stuart looked puzzled. His genius brow was furrowed. He hesitated. Then he produced his answer: ‘An elephantlet, sir.’

There were no gasps of horror around the hall. Most of us had no idea what you called a baby elephant.

‘I’m sorry, Stuart, that’s the wrong answer. A baby elephant is called a calf.’

Now came the gasps of horror. For us to draw, we’d have to get all our remaining questions right and the girls would have to get one of theirs wrong. For us to win, they’d have to get two wrong. On their performance so far, the odds weren’t good.

We lost. We’d been beaten by a girls’ school – an English girls’ school.

‘Girls of St Smartypants, three cheers for the boys of Inst.’

The girls of St Smartypants gave three rousing cheers.

‘Boys of Inst, three cheers for the girls of St Smartypants.’

It’s hard to judge, when you’re seated somewhere in the middle of 1200 boys, just how many are giving three hearty cheers and how many are giving three hearty boos.

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